deus ex macchiato

Fabian Bazant-Hegemark's blog

clusterf*ck, my creation

I hate being sick. But it does give time to contemplate. And I like contemplating.

The last two weeks saw me ordering food on almost a daily basis, to that absurd point of my the online ordering tickets stating “call first to check if legit. ordered twice in the last 48 hours”, and the delivery guy saying “see ya tomorrow” as he left with his tip. The reason for this wasn’t my usual slobbishness though, I was genuinely sick. Now, I carried a headache from before Christmas, reminding me of the fun times had when I was heavy on the migraine train, going full throttle in 2010. I remember a vacation in the Provence that had me on a minimum of 2000 mg Ibuprofen a day just to not cry; Thank god, the last weeks weren’t that bad, but I was in a sustained bad mood, short tempered, and almost as prone to going overboard as I remember my teenage self. Instead of asking “How are you?”, most people switched to a more appropriate “Are you okay?” when interacting with me. I felt horrible. But I attributed that to having passed my 29th birthday as well as being repercussive from my Winter blues. I didn’t go out, met nobody, apart from going to work and spending time with J and Django I hardly did anything at all. Well, I did write. And I twittered. And facebooked. But anything less virtual than that: no way. I just couldn’t.

Two weeks ago, the headaches became stronger. They ripped something open I had thought stitched a long time ago, a certain kind of self doubt that I think I associate with my teenage music preferences. Suddenly, everything was back on the table to be thrown down all over again. I couldn’t I just couldn’t deal with all of it anymore. All there was was headache, destructive introspection and going to work. I don’t know which caused which, but it all ended with a sniffle.
I hate the common cold. I really, really do. If there were a procedure that would make it that I could never ever again have a common cold, but I had to give an arm for it — now, I don’t want to pretend this would be an easy decision, but I totally know what I’d do.
It almost pains me to say that this was a great opportunity though. For once, it was now easy to explain the headaches away, I had simply let a cold from three months ago drag on, now it cought (that was a typo, but I’ll leave it in because HEALTH AT EVERY TYPO) up with me.
When I finally got feverish I decided to stay in bed, where I spent most of last week. I did occasionally walk to the door to open it for a delivery person. Also, I’m at Wire Season 4 now. I drank a steady 70 fl oz of sage tea a day and roughly that amount in clear vegetable soup as well. Today’s I’ll return to work, and finally switched back to coffee. I didn’t have a single smoke for over a week, and I think I’ll stick with that. Also, while I felt underachieving for the last couple of months because the constant headache being a ready excuse, for the last couple of days I legitimately felt like not being able to do anything at all.
Now, I want to state that this was, in this certain case, a good thing. Because I thought a lot about things. I thought about “Hymnos”, writing in general, but since I wasn’t able to do shit anyway, all those thoughts weren’t followed by immediate self-hate and regret of wasting time overthinking when I should just get my lazy butt to work. And that brought me to some great realizations:

So, in total, great things are happening. Thanks for sticking with me.

[Title image: I can honestly do without your attitude, mjam.at (”Attention: second order from same IP in 24 hours. Please call customer to confirm order.”)]