deus ex macchiato

Fabian Bazant-Hegemark's blog


Tomorrow I will apply for a new education program in social work. I'm highly anxious about it.

I've been working in the service industry for some time now, and so far it helped me survive quite well while writing still isn't financially viable. But seeing how it might not become that for quite some time, I felt like I should make plans for the meantime. I don't wanna be forty and still serve tables. And I don't wanna advance to not serving tables anymore. I don't want to do many things except for writing and having time to think about writing. But there's stuff that I can see myself doing ten years from now, should my situation be comparable to the current one, where I have to cross finance my passion. It's funny how skewed my perception is, isn't it? It seems like it is normal for many people I know that their passion isn't their job, and their job only gives them the means to follow their passion.

So what am I to do, having tended to a dream planted over a decade ago, not being closer to reaping any of it's fruit – but still wishing for it to grow, to bear, maybe eventually support?

I don't really know, is part of the answer. I was always so certain about what to do with my life that it never occured to me that the path I walk might never lead out of the woods. Is that something I can live with? Of course not.

So how to get into a position of working in a field I believe in, while not giving up belief in myself? The way I found was to engage in social work. Thing is: I have little to no experience, and no education in this field – but I haven't in any other, so that shouldn't stop me. Out of the green I decided last December that I would apply for one of the thirty-six open positions for the extra-occupational course for social work. Tomorrow is my qualifying examination, or at least it's first step. My parents gave me the great feeling of being relieved that I would finally stop wasting my life, that was a hoot, and then that I should try praying to get a spot. I told them that that would mean praying for the 300 other applicants to fail, but they meant that's okay. I disagree.

So I have to show motivation and skill for something that in the bottom of my heart feels important, but not as important as I am sure it will to many other applicants. This isn't my first career choice. I never chose career at all. The UAS I apply at isn't my first choice, or it is, in that there isn't another offering the course in a 100 mile radius. I hate being examined. Filling out questionaires that are designed to evaluate people who are ambitious, making me look as if I just hatched after playing Tetris for thirty years.

If all goes well, I will have the honor of not questioning what the person in the front says for three years. None of this seems desirable on its own. But then, doing the work that they supposedly train you for sounds very great.

Apart from fixing society through research I feel that there is not much more sensible than helping unfortunate people to make their way through the bullshit of society until it is fixed: which, if you believe polls, isn't soon.

If the exam is multiple choice, I think I should stand a fair chance. I'm not that good at learning. Should I qualify, the next round will take place in a month or so, in the form of a supervised group conversation. I see a circle of eight wannabe students and someone throwing a gun in the middle of the room. Shoot the lawyer, twice, the joke goes. Should I flunk it, I can apply again for this course in 2017.

My hope is to work in a fulfilling field while having enough time to continue writing. It's funny how these hopes change with time. My brother once told me of a friend who had this tough exam coming up. When my brother told him "good luck", he replied "I learned everything there was to learn. I don't need luck. Wish me 'success' instead".

In that sense: wish me luck.